The M word

**PLEASE PLEASE don't take this post as a "Look at me and give me attention!" post. You should know by now that I am honest about all things, good or bad. Writing is my therapy, whether people read it, it is still cathartic for me. With that said, I would never ever want anyone to be offended by what I write so know that if I do, it is not my intention.**

Today I experienced what some might describe as a "late" period but what is technically classified as an early miscarriage. Most of the time, women don't even realize that it's happened. What it means is you have a positive pregnancy test (which was last Friday for me) and for whatever reason, a week or how ever long later (Tuesday, today), you get a negative test accompanied by spotting/bleeding. Sorry for the TMI.

Now while I would never say that losing "cells" after knowing for 5 days is any harder than losing an actual fetus you have to take to the doctor for testing, I don't think my heartache is any less real. Whether I knew for 5 days or weeks, I was still pregnant and am not now. I have known a few friends who were months along, not weeks. My heart, too, aches for them.

This is the second time it's happened to me. The first time, one of the ladies who had a miscarriage at 3 months said to me "You didn't have a miscarriage, you just got your period late". So I always looked at it that way as to not disrespect women who had actually lost babies that were stillborn or months along.

I remember when I got pregnant with Avi, the Dr. asked me if I had any miscarriages. I said "Well, one time I was pregnant then the next week, I wasn't but that doesn't technically count." She said, "If you had a positive test, you were pregnant and if you weren't the next week, you had a miscarriage. It doesn't matter if it was only a few weeks."

Now that I'm going through it for the second time, I feel like I am allowed to be completely sad and devastated. Now, again, that's not to say my pain is any greater because, a loss is a loss is a loss. It doesn't matter whether it's cells, fetus or a baby.

This also would have been my 3rd kid so it's not like I'm not going to get to be a mother at all. As soon as the test says "positive" no matter how unreal or scary it seems, you start thinking of the person growing inside of you. I was thinking how I would tell my in-laws for Christmas and how to surprise them. I was thinking how the baby would have been born in the summer and for once we would have had the support of family, before my in-laws left for Alaska. I was thinking of weird A names because that's how we roll. Now all of the thinking, isn't. It's not a reality anymore.

Now, I know, the Lord has different plans for our family but that doesn't make it any easier. It still sucks. My faith tells me that this happened for a reason, one that will come to light eventually. I may not understand it right away but someday, I will.

So now, I will rejoice in the fact that I have 2 healthy, precious girls, a loving husband who works hard to provide for his family, friends that are there when I need them, a roof to live under, a car to drive and my own health. I might be bummed out but I'll be ok.

Thank you all for your prayers. If you call me and I don't pick up, don't take it personally. We all deal with things differently. Just know that I appreciate you thinking of me and appreciate your prayers. I would also ask that you don't ask if I'm ok or give me pity eyes but instead maybe just a hug will do.

Thank you for reading.