Puppies and Rainbows

It's sort of fitting that exactly 1 year ago today I wrote about portraying our Best vs. Our Real selves on social media.

I had a very sweet friend tell me that I was handling this 3 kids business with such poise. I made sure to remind her I was just surviving! I certainly don't think I'm doing very well at all of this. For example, last night was horrid. Now, it might sound like complaining but I'm just telling my truth here.

Last week Ari got on this beautiful schedule of easy bed time at 10:30, wake up 2:30/3 for a feed, go back down beautifully and get up at 6/7am. Well, the last few days she hasn't wanted to go to sleep any earlier than midnight which sucks. It does. There's no sugar coating it. I had been reading Baby Wise with a grain of salt but she started to sleep better so I stopped. Yesterday, I adhered to their schedule except for evening time feedings. I don't mind clustering if it's going to get me sleep. The point is feed, wake, sleep. In essence, feed them, keep them awake for a bit then let them sleep and start it all over again. So I even woke her up a few times to feed to stay on the 2-1/2 to 3 hour schedule.

So last night, she laid down at 10:30pm, fairly easy so we hoped we would have a more normal night. We went to bed then too. Well, she woke up crying at 11. You might think me a horrible mom but I set a timer for 10 min. If she didn't calm down, I knew something was up. Alright she didn't and it had been a couple hours since she last ate so I fed her. I got her down by 12:10am. If this had been the last time I got up, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog. Well, she got up at about 1:20am. This is where I start to lose my marbles and I am ugly crying at this point. I am telling Adam I can't do this, I just fed her, she's changed, I just can't handle this. This is where my love/hate relationship with breastfeeding comes in. I will feed her every hour on the hour if I have to during the day but in the middle of the night, I just want some darn sleep! It feels unfair that I'm the only one who can do that. Now I sound like a whiner but hear me out.

She wasn't hungry, she was just being fussy. Maybe her stomach hurt, maybe she knew mom was losing it, who knows? My sweet husband told me to go to bed as I have tears and snot coming down my face. I love that man. He was able to calm her down and was back to bed by 1:50. I could not do that last night. I did not have the patience and I could not mentally do it. I am at her beck and call all day but at night, throw mom a bone, Ari! She slept until 5:30am without him feeding her so I know it wasn't hunger that woke her up. I ended up getting up at 4 to pump in case she woke up she would be able to latch on (babies have a hard time when your breasts are engorged for those who aren't familiar with BF).

So why do you care about my crappy night? You don't. I'm just here to tell you that even though I post those cute videos, those pictures of those beautiful girls, that I am still trying to figure this parenting business out. Some days I can handle the fussiness like a champ and other days, I ugly cry until my husband rescues me and that's ok. I'm doing the best I can and I know you are too. I love these girls with all that I am and wouldn't trade them for all the sleep in the world but it's hard. It's not easy. It's messy and beautiful and fun and not so fun and horrible at times and great at others.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thanks for reading!