Sometimes the anxiety wins
I wanted to share a story with you all. Not for pity. Not for attention. In hopes to help even just one mom who sometimes struggles, just like I do.
This weekend was jam packed! Saturday morning, I ran a 5k. It was windy and cold but I still got a personal best! Adam brought the girls to come watch me. Now, from experience, I know that can be so stressful but he does it anyway. I really wanted to get a family picture as we have yet to get one so I let Adam know before the race. After the race, he walks back like he's heading to the car when he was just getting out of the wind (like I said, cold and windy race). So my defense mode goes up and I get grumpy because I just wanted one stinking picture. Was that so hard? I could sense his stress which further dampened my mood. I know it's hard. Kids are not the most patient people on the planet. They have to wait 30 min for me to start the race and the 30+ until I cross the finish line so I know it's hard for them too, especially on a crappy day. So, it was hard to feel excited and happy when I knew he was annoyed, not his fault. There were lots of curbs to have to navigate the big bulky double stroller through then Ari didn't want to stay in there so he ended up having to wear her and she fell asleep. She still didn't get her full morning nap in.
That afternoon we had a birthday party to go to so we put the younger 2 down early for a nap because we knew they wouldn't get their whole nap. The party goes well but Ari is in that in-between stage of wanting to explore but since she can't walk she wants to crawl everywhere and eat everything on the floor so you end up just having to hold her because she doesn't want to be in the stroller either. So that was a bit stressful. At home, she wants you to hold her but also tries to leap out of your arms so when you put her down, she cries because she wants to be held kind of thing. A lot of the time, I try to get on the floor with her and she just cries as she flops all over me. Babies can be so picky!
So, come Sunday morning, Ari is throwing one of those hold-me-don't-put-me-down tantrums while I'm trying to change her then feed her breakfast. Bri is fighting with Avi. I'm trying to get them dressed and ready because I have to volunteer at church. I didn't sleep well Saturday night so I'm just doing a lot of yelling to try to get these kids to listen to me (not working obviously). I look at Adam and I break down. I just can't. I can't deal. I start bawling and covering my ears because of the over stimulation. I cry and cry and decide to let the person in charge at church know that I can't make it in. They're short handed which only intensifies the guilt.
I tried to get it together. All I could think about what how I did not like my kids that morning which made me feel like horrible mother. You can love someone with all your being and soul and still have days where you just don't like them. It made me feel like they deserved someone better. Someone who is patient and does not yell. Someone who could keep it together because I obviously could not. Someone who liked them every single day, even at their worst. Adam let me go ahead in his car alone to see if I could gather myself enough to volunteer. Nope. I tried to get it together so I could volunteer. I tried. I tried and failed.
By the time I gathered enough strength to go into church, it was after 9. Adam held me the entire service. It was so hard. I felt so broken and guilty. Guilty about my feelings towards the kids. Guilty I couldn't gather myself to volunteer. I had cried all morning. I knew that if I couldn't get it together for my own kids, how could I for another mom's? I felt terrible to let the team down but like I said a thousand times, I tried and I couldn't. I think I finally quit crying half way through the service. Then started back up on the last song and after service when my sweet friend gave me a hug because I told her what a morning I was having.
Now you read this and think, wow, that's all it takes for her to lose her marbles? No. But on that day, on that morning, it did. It was too much and anxiety won that day. I never told my kids "Get away from me, I can't stand to look at you" or any other mean things like that. Adam just took over for me that morning. I honestly don't think they even knew. Bri said she was sad because she was expecting me at church in her class. I was honest with her and said that I wanted to but I couldn't that morning. Mom needed to collect herself. The rest of the day went smoother. I got a nap in. I was more patient with my kids. We played outside in the sunshine and that helped. Now, I'm back to "normal" if you can even call it that. I had a bad day but it doesn't define me as a mother. Most of the time, I got a pretty good handle on this mommy-ing thing, and other times, like Sunday, the anxiety wins. When it does, I pick myself up the best I can and keep on truckin' because I love them. I love my husband and they need me to be the healthiest version of me I can be. Sometimes that means breaking down and coming back stronger. For them. For me. If you ever feel like you need to talk, don't hesitate to reach out!
Thanks for reading.
This weekend was jam packed! Saturday morning, I ran a 5k. It was windy and cold but I still got a personal best! Adam brought the girls to come watch me. Now, from experience, I know that can be so stressful but he does it anyway. I really wanted to get a family picture as we have yet to get one so I let Adam know before the race. After the race, he walks back like he's heading to the car when he was just getting out of the wind (like I said, cold and windy race). So my defense mode goes up and I get grumpy because I just wanted one stinking picture. Was that so hard? I could sense his stress which further dampened my mood. I know it's hard. Kids are not the most patient people on the planet. They have to wait 30 min for me to start the race and the 30+ until I cross the finish line so I know it's hard for them too, especially on a crappy day. So, it was hard to feel excited and happy when I knew he was annoyed, not his fault. There were lots of curbs to have to navigate the big bulky double stroller through then Ari didn't want to stay in there so he ended up having to wear her and she fell asleep. She still didn't get her full morning nap in.
That afternoon we had a birthday party to go to so we put the younger 2 down early for a nap because we knew they wouldn't get their whole nap. The party goes well but Ari is in that in-between stage of wanting to explore but since she can't walk she wants to crawl everywhere and eat everything on the floor so you end up just having to hold her because she doesn't want to be in the stroller either. So that was a bit stressful. At home, she wants you to hold her but also tries to leap out of your arms so when you put her down, she cries because she wants to be held kind of thing. A lot of the time, I try to get on the floor with her and she just cries as she flops all over me. Babies can be so picky!
So, come Sunday morning, Ari is throwing one of those hold-me-don't-put-me-down tantrums while I'm trying to change her then feed her breakfast. Bri is fighting with Avi. I'm trying to get them dressed and ready because I have to volunteer at church. I didn't sleep well Saturday night so I'm just doing a lot of yelling to try to get these kids to listen to me (not working obviously). I look at Adam and I break down. I just can't. I can't deal. I start bawling and covering my ears because of the over stimulation. I cry and cry and decide to let the person in charge at church know that I can't make it in. They're short handed which only intensifies the guilt.
I tried to get it together. All I could think about what how I did not like my kids that morning which made me feel like horrible mother. You can love someone with all your being and soul and still have days where you just don't like them. It made me feel like they deserved someone better. Someone who is patient and does not yell. Someone who could keep it together because I obviously could not. Someone who liked them every single day, even at their worst. Adam let me go ahead in his car alone to see if I could gather myself enough to volunteer. Nope. I tried to get it together so I could volunteer. I tried. I tried and failed.
By the time I gathered enough strength to go into church, it was after 9. Adam held me the entire service. It was so hard. I felt so broken and guilty. Guilty about my feelings towards the kids. Guilty I couldn't gather myself to volunteer. I had cried all morning. I knew that if I couldn't get it together for my own kids, how could I for another mom's? I felt terrible to let the team down but like I said a thousand times, I tried and I couldn't. I think I finally quit crying half way through the service. Then started back up on the last song and after service when my sweet friend gave me a hug because I told her what a morning I was having.
Now you read this and think, wow, that's all it takes for her to lose her marbles? No. But on that day, on that morning, it did. It was too much and anxiety won that day. I never told my kids "Get away from me, I can't stand to look at you" or any other mean things like that. Adam just took over for me that morning. I honestly don't think they even knew. Bri said she was sad because she was expecting me at church in her class. I was honest with her and said that I wanted to but I couldn't that morning. Mom needed to collect herself. The rest of the day went smoother. I got a nap in. I was more patient with my kids. We played outside in the sunshine and that helped. Now, I'm back to "normal" if you can even call it that. I had a bad day but it doesn't define me as a mother. Most of the time, I got a pretty good handle on this mommy-ing thing, and other times, like Sunday, the anxiety wins. When it does, I pick myself up the best I can and keep on truckin' because I love them. I love my husband and they need me to be the healthiest version of me I can be. Sometimes that means breaking down and coming back stronger. For them. For me. If you ever feel like you need to talk, don't hesitate to reach out!
Thanks for reading.
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