When you just need a break...

2 weeks ago I deactivated my Facebook. Today I reactivated it again because it's my oldest 9th birthday and I just couldn't not post anything to have on my memories. I have a picture of her there every year and I wasn't going to let it get away. Some people knew, some didn't. Some reached out, some didn't. That's ok.

2 weeks ago, we had our first snow and I was LEGIT angry about it. I was angry that people were happy about it too. It is NOVEMBER it's too early for snow and it's too early for this cold and it's only going to get WORSE from here. Seeing other people happy was making me more miserable. I had shared that life was in a difficult season a couple days prior but that's what sent me over the edge. Ridiculous? Yeah, maybe but I knew something was up.

So I don't have the self-control to just delete it and not check the app. Judge me all you want but it's all or nothing. I'm a pretty regular poster and probably really annoying to some people, I get it. Anyhow, I had to figure out what was really wrong because if you know me, you know I love love and I love other people's happiness so when I don't, something is up.

The next 2 weeks would be one of the worst depression episodes I've had in my life. When someone asked me what was wrong, I said everything and nothing because that's what it felt like. What it really was was a lot of little things just piling up.

I started a new job and the second day I had an uncomfortable encounter with my new co-worker. Really? It's been a whole 2 days, Cruff. Why you gotta go and piss someone off? My mom was still here but she was leaving soon. Adam has been working a lot so I felt like I was solo parenting and thought well, heck if this is what it's like to be a single parent, why the heck don't I just go and be one?

Depression is a freaking liar. It steals your joy. It makes you hate yourself. Your life. Your soul. There were days where I was totally fine. I'd get dressed and cook. Then other days where I couldn't get out of bed. I was supposed to meet my friend to run and I just couldn't will myself to get out of bed early to do it. Luckily, I'd run here and there to keep some kind of mojo going.

I asked Adam, "Why did God make me this way?" and he said "I don't know." That's when I got angry. I got angry at God, angry at myself for feeling this way. So I poured it all out to him and cried, and cried some more. Depression is a liar. It makes you believe the people you love are better off without you because you just suck so bad at doing life. At being the good wife with the clean house and hot meal, about being the patient mom who dotes on her children. I am not that. I probably won't ever be that.

This is what depression looks like.
With my mom gone, it's been a process remembering how to do everything on my own again.

I can't say that things just changed overnight. I had a good week last week. Just kept pushing past the feeling of worthlessness and just kept trying. That's all I can do, right? Sometimes you just need to quiet some of the noise even if it doesn't ever really go away. Someone asked if the break was helping. Nope, but it wasn't making it worse, so there's that.

So again, I'll say, just because it seems like someone has this great life, doesn't mean they don't have things they struggle with. It doesn't mean they don't think about ending their life or wishing they weren't alive in the first place.

I'm hoping to be on a path of better wellness. I've let my eating get out of control. The weight is piling on. That means something needs to change. Depression makes you think you don't care if you're overweight because your body is gross anyway.

I also had to stay off FB because I'm honest. I would have been talking about all these things while I was going through them and you all would have written me off as a Debbie Downer. So, I had to take some time to collect myself. Get back to me. I'm still working on it. Don't ever assume that someone has a great and perfect life. I hope I don't put that image out there but if I do, this is my reassurance to you that I am human. I am flawed. I struggle.

As far as work goes, its going great. I'm enjoying it. Ari isn't quite used to daycare but we'll get there. I should be going to 2 days a week after the new year. It's nuts though so we are still figuring out a rhythm being a 2 working parents household (even if only for 1 day).

Thanks for reading. Thanks to those who checked up on me. That meant more to me than you know. Thank you to those who knew what I was going through and stuck with me through it because depression also lies to you and makes you push people away when all they want to do is save you from yourself. <3

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